I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
