Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
