dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
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