Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
