I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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