I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
