So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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