like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
