pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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