The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
