also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
