I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
