you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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