awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
