hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Randomize
