if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
