I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
