I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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