I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
