areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
