she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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