i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
