seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The air was thick with penises
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
