Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
