I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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