Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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