Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
