There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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