so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she told me i tasted like america
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
