At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
