cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
