I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
