if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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