this beer tastes like vomit already
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
