i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
