My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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