Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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