glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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