FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
