I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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