he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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