My girlfriend figured out who you are.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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