Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
