wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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