I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
