I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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