True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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