I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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