Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
