gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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