you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
