Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
