you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I want her autograph on my taint
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
