I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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