I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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